In the restaurant

Waiter, this soup tastes funny?

Then why aren't you laughing!

Doctor story

Why did the angry doctor retire?

Because he lost his patience!

Maths

Why is the Math book so unhappy?

Because it’s full of problems!

Smart numbers

What does the zero say to the the eight?
Nice belt!

Great Respects

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

Writing in space

When Nasa first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, scientists spent a decade and 12 billion dollars to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

Smelly Tigger

Question: Why does Tigger smell?
Answer: You'd smell too if you played with Pooh all day!

Tigger Story

Why did the Tigger look inside the toilet?

He was looking for Pooh!

A Holistic Approach to Mathematics

The math teacher saw that little Saththar wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Saththar! what are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"

Little Saththar quickly replied, "MTV, CNN, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

Woof woof

An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote:
“Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”
“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”

Bad news

A doctor says to his patient, "I have bad news and worse news".

"Oh dear, what's the bad news?" asks the patient.

The doctor replies: "You only have 24 hours to live."

"That's terrible," said the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?".

The doctor replies: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

Turtle story

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."

World's funniest joke

Do you know what the world's funniest joke is? In 2002 scientists carried out a study that involved millions of participants from around the world. The following joke was rated as the funniest...

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

And the second place went to the following joke....

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

Also the scientists found out that different countries prefer different types of jokes for instance the top joke for the British was...

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

And for the Australians...

A woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Sources: CNN, New Scientist, Wikipedia, Walesonline also check out the Laughlab original site

The Burned Ears

A guy burned both of his ears... so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.
He said, ''I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang... So, instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear...''
''But how the heck did you burn the other ear?'' The doctor asked.
''They called back".

Foreign Language Nightmare!

I just got off the phone with an old friend who could, well, really work on his pronunciation of words in the English language. It reminded me of the story I share with you below. Tendjewberrymud, and enjoy! You'll soon see what I mean by that! -- Alex :)

This meant to be read aloud (for the full effect). By the end of the conversation, you will understand what 'tendjewberrymud' means.

This was nominated for one of the best e-mails of 1999. The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room service at a hotel in Asia which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.

Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"

G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"

G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"

G: "What?"

RS:"San tos. July San tos?"

G: "I don't think so."

RS: "No? Judo one toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow inglish mopping we bother?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.

RS: "We bother?"

G: "No...just put the bother on the side."

RS: "Wad?"

G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Sorry?"

RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"

G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"

G: "Whatever you say"

RS: "Tendjewberrymud!"

G: "You're welcome."

Funny Signs & Notices

These are supposedly actual signs that have been found in and around...

At a car dealership in Maryland to announce new seat belt legislation: "Belt your family. It's the law."

In restaurant: "Open seven days a week and weekends."

On the freeway in Boston during a MAJOR transformation of the streets and bridges, etc: "Rome wasn't built in a day. If it was we would have hired their contractor."

Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen several years ago: Restrooms to the left. Please wait for the hostess to seat you.

At a Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."

On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."

Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."

Sign in a shoe store: "Come in and have a fit."

Sign on used car lot: "Second hand cars in first crash condition."

Sign in a Swiss mountain inn: "Special today -- no ice cream."

Sign at a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."

Sign at a garage in Hertfordshire: "Please do not smoke near the pumps. If your life isn't worth anything - gas is!"

In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken

Outside a secondhand shop: We exchange anything – bicycles, washing machines etc, why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?

Sumthings about wives

Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life !!

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Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should
be happier than others.

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Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.


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I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for
two years.

( i loved this one )
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Men have a better time than women; for one thing,
they marry later; for
another thing, they die earlier.

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When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows
why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone
wonders why.
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Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

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When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
you can be sure of
one thing: either the car is new or the wife .

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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding
her way back to home always.


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I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our
anniversary?" She said,"Somewhere I h! ave never been!" I told her,
"How about the kitchen?"

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We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

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My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.


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She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then
the mud fell off.


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She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too
late for the garbage?"
Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in."

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Badd Teddy recently explained to me why he refuses
to get to married.
He says "the wedding rings look like minature
handcuffs....."

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If your dog is barking at the back door and your
wife yelling at the frontdoor, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course... at least he'll shut up after u
let him in!

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A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly
parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was
diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be
praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did u have to
die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir,
I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this
demonstration of pain in is
more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A
child? A parent?"The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then
replied "My wife's first husband."

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A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband
leaned over, made a wish
and threw in a coin .
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned
over too much, fell
into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned
for a while but then
smiled " It really works ! "

Never try to cheat a women

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends.

We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?"



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The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box....."